Get Ready for Cloverfield

You will not survive this one. There are rumors that special events are planned in theaters all across the continental United States to make this a unique movie experience. For example, you may be abducted during your movie-watching experience by one of the following: a huge, formerly two-headed scary monster (see picture, right) still in a rage over the untimely amputation of its second head (which seemingly kept the remaining head in check) by scientists wishing to do research on it, Czechoslovakian tennis champ Martina Navratilova sans recent showers and the use of deodorant, or the confused and quite possibly senile leader of the Free World, George Bush. If I have to be abducted by one of the above, I would do everything in my power to avoid the latter option.